i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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