I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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