I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
