He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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