It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
