This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Randomize
