im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
