if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
