I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
