I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Duck Duck Cougar?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Randomize
