i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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