i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I wish they made helmets for livers.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
