the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
