There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
