I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
