glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
