Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
what the fuck happened to the tacos
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