when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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