Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
