I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
