her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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