Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
