I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I'm going to jail i love you
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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