I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
