it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
