SEEEEXXX PLEASE
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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