I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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