I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
