I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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