my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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