My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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