Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
