the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize