I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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