my phone needs a breathalizer
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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