the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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