last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
