I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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