the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Let's get the cat blown out
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
