your parents love me but you hate me
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Randomize
