If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
