Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
