do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
