Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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