Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
