If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Randomize
