I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
