I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
