I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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