Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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