capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
