i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
