So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize