so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Bring me that man meat
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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