How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
