Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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