It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
