My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
