woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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